I became a high school “crashout.” Pt. 2

let me know if i’m crazy or if you can relate, even if it’s just a little. words cannot describe how much i rlly don’t wanna go to school tomorrow

and try reading the whole vent. reading is good for you, you know

honestly just skip the prose and go about halfway down and you’ll see

scene 1: the classroom

The digital clock reads 8:32 a.m. and I find myself in a brightly lit cell. I look around. My vision is blurry, so I take my glasses off and wipe them with my shirt. I put my glasses back on and look around a second time. It seems like I have company. My cellmates are, just like me, sitting in stiff chairs connected by metal bars to desks that prevent any ounce of comfort and relaxation. I feel trapped in some place I don’t belong. 

I decide to observe my surroundings some more instead of gazing at the white board. The cell is so marred by boredom and indifference—the cell is lit not by the presence of bright and excited souls, but rather by the yellow taint of ugly fluorescent lights. 

“AP Physics, AP Calc, AP this, AP that, GPA this, GPA that, your rank is this, not that,” I think to myself. Why do I take these courses? Why are they “appealing” to me? Did I want to take them, or was I forced to? But wasn’t I the one who forced myself to take them? But did I have a choice?

My head rocks back and forth as the pronunciation of words by the monotone voice slowly fades into just the silent hum of a machine—it lulls me to sleep. I look up. Even the roaches in the classroom lights are trapped within the very thing that attracts them—just like me. My vision fades, and the room goes dark. 

I am awakened by the bell and scurry off to the next class. What a dystopia.

Repeat scene 1, thrice more. 

scene 2: the work

I come home to a loving family, a beautiful dog, and a roof over my head. How much more blessed could I be? I eat a snack, my eyes drooping more and more with every step. I make it to my bed, cocoon myself in the sheets, and pass out. 

The screech of my alarm 26 minutes later wakes me up unpleasantly.

I force myself out of bed and open my laptop to begin the work my instructors expect me to complete. 27 assignments due by the end of the week. 27 ASSIGNMENTS. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME????

Alright forget about prose and being a good writer, I’m just gonna vent.

Like I’m sorry but do you know that I am actually a human being and not some emotionless machine??? 2 freakishly difficult exams, a quiz, and 24 busywork homework assignments. 

Are. You. Kidding. Me. Please tell me this is a nightmare that I’ll wake up from, I think to myself. 

Turns out it’s very real, and I must work on these busywork assignments or I get punished; my grade will dip, and bam, there goes college and by extension, my entire freaking life and bloodline for the rest of time! 

I look at the pdf with a blank stare. If only the papers were blank, I thought. 20. Pages. Of. Calculus. 15. Missing. Physics. Assignments. (And I do all those physics assignments to almost fail the physics exam anyway because it was created by Einstein or something). 

Is 20 pages of the most boring stuff known to mankind necessary? I never pay attention anymore, I don’t even study or do the homework and I get like a 98 on average on the exams. Like seriously what is the point?

Seriously? No, like, seriously bro? ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS!!!

Do I have a choice? That’s a question I ask myself every day. Why am I doing this? Why do I even bother? Theoretically, I could just not do any of this. I could just not do anything, I really could.

I could skip my homework and just ignore my teacher. But the consequences are horrible! You fail the class, and by the logic of all the “brilliant amazing” kids at school, and my mom, you’re cooked for life. No 8 APs and studying all day everyday for your entire life? Lmao don’t even TALK to me, you not on my level fr fr. (They don’t actually say it like that but it's pretty clear that’s what they think.) 

And if you choose to remain sane for your mental health’s sake and only take like 4 APs, you’re cooked! No, scratch that. You’re deep fried in a wok that’s 10 inches deep and 10 inches wide. One semester goes wrong? BAM! Say goodbye to being top 20 or whatever. 1 little mistake and everything could go wrong for you. How fun!

So do we have a choice? Do we really have free will? Hell no we don’t!

Repeat scene 2, and then scene 1, everyday.

scene 3: the people

Kids at my school are brilliant. Maybe a little too brilliant for my own good. 

“Oh, you started coding when you were 4 and now you’re an International Olympiad Medalist?”

“Aw shit, dude, I only won 2nd place in the state instead of 1st, damn bro, my life sucks.”

“Hold up, bro, my phone’s ringing. Oh, shit, it’s Harvard. Bro this is lowkey mad embarrassing. I told them to keep it on the DL and now they’re doin ts. Highkey Harvard is my last choice. I'm going to MIT instead because I won some light ahh competition lmfao (.000001% win rate).”

And here I am without a 4.0 thanks to my first semester of high school. Thanks, English 1 teacher, you did me a solid even though I was the best writer in your class by far, and you knew it, too. 

“Damn, bro, that’s tough. Sounds like a you problem.”

It’s impossible to feel good about yourself in a place where everyone else is already successful and you’re not. I represent my school for essay competitions that I do well in, but that’s about all I can do. 

Calculus? Nah, bro, this dude over here has been doing integrals since before he was even conceived. 

Scientific research? Apparently you can get into the lab when you’re like 15 years old if you have crazy connections. (Cries in 0 connections, 0 cousins graduated from MIT, Harvard, and Yale, 0 family friends in a 1000 mile radius.) No one told me that.

And then there’s the pressure to do well in life. Writers make nothing unless they’re great, unfortunately. And society places an emphasis on all about those “super fun and rewarding” jobs. I know! I’m gonna wake up in the morning, clock in on my computer, and then look at some DATA for 8 hours. That sounds so fun and I think it’ll make a huge impact on the world in a positive way while I also make 300k a year. Or maybe I’ll go to Georgia Tech and build missiles for the government so I can help our country bomb mostly innocent people halfway across the world if they want to! And also get paid 400k a year. Surely I’ll be happy then.

It’s like, no, I want to do something I enjoy. I want to spend time in nature and start a startup that could genuinely benefit humanity, not just myself with some superficial shit like a fancy car or something. And I'm pretty good at coding as well for just starting out! But guess what? School won’t have any of it, because if I don’t study all the time I might actually fail this stupid physics class. I have no time dedicated to coding because i’m too busy doing stuff i don’t care about that is apparently necessary to go to “college.”

And this crashout isn’t even about the actual kids or the actual college admissions system because, well, maybe I should write another one.

“AI startup founder, Leading AI researcher, research paper published” my ass. Unless you’re Alexandr Wang you ain’t doin that on your own, and there’s no point in lying. LinkedIn is the corporate Grindr, change my mind.

So there’s that.

the end

The end? You thought it ends? No. There is no end.
I feel indescribably lost, seriously.

Repeat scenes 1, 2, and 3 indefinitely.