When to get into a relationship and what to look for in a partner
From a amateurish, philosophical perspective. My thoughts at the end.
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” - Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice
A year before John Hancock’s pen glid across the parchment outlining America’s independence in 1776, 44-year-old George Austen, a rector of the Anglican church, celebrated his newborn daughter’s arrival into the world. The winter of 1775-1776 was particularly harsh, however, and it was not until April 5th of 1776 that the baby girl was baptised and christened Jane.
This marked the beginning of the life of the great English novelist Jane Austen. Although her family was of high social status due to her father’s position in the Church, her parents’ income was quite modest; in fact, she did much of her writing not in a grand setting, but rather at a tiny octagonal table in her living room. She never married, although on some occasions it was tempting. Like most other writers of her time, the novel was her chosen weapon in the struggle to reform humanity, of which—over her short but important life—she completed six:
Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Mansfield Park, Emma, Northanger Abbey, and Persuasion.
Through her novels, one can gain a clearer understanding of what love and marriage truly entail—not just what we think they do. Here are some lessons Jane Austen was kind enough to bestow upon us:
#1: Let Your Lover Educate You
In Pride and Prejudice, Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet start off strongly disliking each other—her hurling insults at him, him refusing to dance with her as she is “not handsome enough” to tempt his liking. And yet, throughout all of their drama, they eventually realize that they are indeed in love with each other.
At the beginning of the novel, Mr. Darcy, a wealthy bachelor with high social status, views himself as superior and with that he brings arrogance and pride. Then, at a very important moment in the book, Elizabeth criticizes and condemns his vanity and crude egotism to his face. At first, Darcy is offended, as would any emotional human being. But later, he admits:
“‘Your reproof, so well applied, I shall never forget: 'had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner.' Those were your words. You know not, you can scarcely conceive, how they have tortured me;—though it was some time, I confess, before I was reasonable enough to allow their justice.’”
While Mr. Darcy may have begun as an unlikeable manifestation of an egotistical man, Elizabeth’s more soft-spoken ease and liveliness may have softened his tongue, given him better manners, and made him a kinder person. On the other hand, Mr. Darcy’s vast knowledge, wealth, and advanced world-view provided Elizabeth with her own reward and benefit of equal importance. Put simply, they educated one other to best suit each other.
For whatever reason, we tend to think that love is accepting someone for who they are—total acceptance. But Austen suggests differently—that the right person is not necessarily the most beautiful or the most intelligent, but he who can mold her in the right shape for himself, and she who can mold him in the right shape for herself.
As a result, both become more mature, honest, and kind. And only after this transformation occurs is a proper relationship the next step.
Darcy and Elizabeth must improve one another; only then does Austen allow them to be engaged. The lesson we can learn from this is to not pursue a relationship out of spite, lust, or boredom—it is simply to be patient and wait for the one who is already, at the bare minimum, mature and educated.
“It is very often nothing but our own vanity that decieves us.” - Jane Austen
#2: A Relationship Is More Than Just Romance
Romance is an illusion.
Say I went on a date with a girl I really, really liked. While preparing for the date, I think to myself that I must dress a certain way, speak a certain way, and, in general, be a certain way, for if I did not, I would surely never see that girl again. This “certain way'“ is certainly not my certain way, but the “perfect” date’s certain way!
It is evident that when we go on a first date, we are all presenting an image of ourselves that is not really ourselves—an illusion, if you will. (Unless you are a master of being yourself with strangers—I envy you.)
Austen shows us this concept wonderfully. When Charlotte, Elizabeth’s best friend, marries Mr. Collins, an apparently dull and miserable person who is essentially a wealthy but very boring and plain man, Elizabeth gets reasonably upset. But upon confronting her friend about her concerns, Charlotte tells her:
“I am not romantic, you know. I never was. I ask only a comfortable home; and considering Mr. Collins’s character, connections, and situation in life, I am convinced that my chance of happiness with him is as fair as most people can boast on entering the marriage state.”
It then becomes clear to both Elizabeth and the reader that Charlotte is a bit extreme, but marries for the most fundamental purpose: to enter a mere transaction that couples two people in order to maximize both of their happiness through life, like having children and pursuing more wealth. This thinking is a bit rash for our time.
Nonetheless, the lesson still stands: do not enter a relationship because of romance, especially if you feel a sense of romance yet other things point toward a failed connection.
Me in the future fr
#3: Love is not at first sight. Love is at the second, third, or even fourth sight.
Austen’s entire novel is, at its core, truly about pride and prejudice. Elizabeth first suffers under the harshness of both, having accidentally overheard Mr. Darcy’s comment on her appearance:
“She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me…”
Of course, Elizabeth is deeply hurt by this comment, as would anyone else. Consequently, Elizabeth lets herself become swayed by rumors of Mr. Darcy’s poor character, without actually getting to know him. This is, Austen shows us, a grave mistake!
In the same way, however, Mr. Darcy is prideful and prejudiced and entitled—he interacts with Elizabeth and her family quite differently because of their lower social class. It was only after they communicated with each other and laid all of their prejudices against each other out on the floor, that they were able to see each other for who they truly were—that is, soulmates in this case. (Totally unrealistic, but its just a novel let it be cringy and have a happy ending for goodness sake.)
The lesson we can learn here is that first appearances can be deceiving. There is a very good reason that we have the saying, “Everyone deserves a second chance.”
My Experience
Large public high schools aren’t exactly filled with the kindest, most forgiving people. In fact, its clear that everyone at high school is still figuring out who they really are, what values they want to hold dear to themselves, and who they are prejudiced against or biased towards. There are two main issues I find in my situation. The first is the perfect, nonexistant partner, and the second is the lack of anybody even near that manifestation that exists purely in imagination.
The perfect partner, as discussed earlier, simply does not exist, and coming to terms with that is not so easy.
Assume it was done, though. Say that upon accepting someone else as a partner, you desire to change them, mold them if you will, toward something more appealing for yourself, because that will make you happier with the person you spend a lot of time with.
What do we when that molding process fails? When the other person, instead of feeling obliged to follow, resists and feels hurt and offended? Certainly that would not happen in someone who is emotionally mature. What even is true emotional maturity, which is harder to find than a needle in a haystack? To me, it is accepting criticism gracefully, changing if it seems reasonable, and then simply moving on with no hard feelings. (And this goes both ways.) Apparently, that is too difficult to do even for someone you really “love.”
Thus, I arrive to the conclusion that the best person is the most mature person. (I wrote this “my thoughts” part in literally 5 minutes, so that’s why it’s not great, sorry!)
My Conclusions from Pride and Prejudice
While Pride and Prejudice was written almost 230 years ago, I believe it still has some use in solving today’s relationship problems. Accompanying any relationship is lovesickness, heartbreak, and frustration, but reading a couple pages of Jane Austen could never hurt. (Its more like 350, but you get the idea.) To sum everything up nicely:
Let your lover educate you! And just maybe both of you will mature and become better people along the way.
Don’t go into a relationship just for romance.
Love is not at first sight. Give second chances. You never know what might happen!
